Silent Sky – The Fear Psychosis after a Rape
Read this piece on the fear psychosis of a raped person who is ‘victimized’ after a rape.
The room couldn’t have been darker in the nights partly because of the blackness that beckoned and partly because of the cold heart that resided in. The roof hung low and the walls came closer in protest.
And in the corner in a small cot a lifeless body lay. Frail, tired, pixie like small girl. Her stick legs, her pallid face and her disappearing waist, a sight many would likely pass by. Her hair long black covered the bags below her eyes as they wandered loose but the horrors in her eyes shouted a million cries.
She remembers the day it all happened it comes to her in sharp aches. Her nights were now not meant for sleeping she spent them wide eyed, even the tears were afraid to make their escape. Her dried up heart resided quietly in a human skeleton. She tries to sleep only to wake up with a start with a deep blunt pain in her chest, she opens her mouth so a shout would come out, something that would make a liberation but all she gets is a hollow voice and muffled sobs.
She rubs her body trying to get that scent off, which she can still smell. She cleans her arms with her hands, her legs, she pins herself to the cot and shouts within herself to make it go away. She closes her eyes only to revisit those faces and that laughter. She shrugs it off gets up and paces around and collapses on the ground.
This had been a routine now and she couldn’t get out of it. She can hear them as they speak near the door, they call her name and sometimes yell, she can hear her mother’s uncontrollable sobs, she can hear herself crying in sync, she can hear her brother’s hollow assurances, she can hear his dead belief in it and most of all she can hear the silence of her father and in it she dies a little within.
And then she goes back and forth in time measuring the trust she had put up in that one person, measuring her care and carelessness, measuring the steps taken, measuring her actions, her talk, her laughter, her drama, her mistakes, her love, her friends , the people who cared enough to stay and ones who left her in the mayhem. She listens and measures, confused and lost sits up to fight a battle which they say she had long lost.
She sits up, she stands only to fall back down deeper in her room’s endless night.
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AUTHOR: GARIMA JAITLY